Monday, January 12, 2009

never use the "f" word or make creepy instant follow up calls

In hindsight, there were certain things about Bachelor #2 that should have sent me running for the hills before we even met. The first was that the only picture posted on his online profile was so blurry that you could barely make out his silhouette. The second was that he told me the following about his food preferences during our first phone conversation: "I like my KFC like sex - once an hour." Now, of course he was joking, but seeing that this was the first time we'd spoken, it seemed a little inappropriate. However, I'd just started dating after a 10 year marriage, and was, quite frankly, completely clueless about dating in the 21st century, and about men in general. I hadn't yet retrained myself to listen to my instincts, which were manifesting themselves as little people in my head whispering "run, Forest, run."

When I met #2 for coffee after work, it was quite obvious why his picture was so blurry - he was smart enough to realize that looking like Barney Rubble wouldn't score him many dates. However, I am not a shallow person, and, hoping that his beauty would radiate from within, tried to initiate some pleasant conversation. This tactic failed miserably, however. After some small talk about hobbies, #2 started ranting about how trashy most of the women are on online dating sites, specifically women from a nearby city, who, as he so delicately put it, "just want to f#@k." "But," he told me as he grabbed my hand across the table, "you're different." I quickly feigned a coughing fit and wrenched my hand from his death grip. Lesson #1: Do not use the "f" word or any other 4 letter word on a date unless you want to come across as trailer trash.

After that statement, I figured that the only way the conversation could go was up and tried to focus #2 on other, more mundane subjects. I mentioned that I had a friend who was moving and needed to find a new home for his cat. "I love cats. I have two. I think that I could take that cat," he said. Then I mentioned that one of my girlfriends wasn't having much luck selling her mom's condo in Boca. "I like Florida, I think maybe I'll buy it," he said. I told him that I needed a new air conditioner. "I'll find you one," he exclaimed. I told him I was interested in learning tennis. He said - you guessed it - "I can teach you!" Apparently #2 was Superman - he could do it all! I'm certain that if I told him that I wanted to learn to speak Swahili or adopt an orphan from China he would have been able to help me out with that, too. It was flattering that #2 wanted me to be his Lois Lane, but I was just not up for that role.

I decided it was time to end our date. Since it was early April, I told him I had to go home and work on my tax return. As he walked me to my car, I coughed loudly, wondering out loud why I still hadn't shaken my cold, to proactively ensure that he would not try to kiss me.

I escaped into the security of my car, happy to be headed home. I pulled onto the highway, tuned the radio to my favorite station, and had just started to relax when my cell phone rang. It was #2. I couldn't imagine why he could possibly be calling me literally 20 seconds after our date had ended unless I'd left something behind.

Me: "Hello?"
#2: "Hi, it's #2."
Me: "Did I forget something?"
#2: "No. You know that supermarket next to where we just had coffee?"
Me: "Yes...."
#2: "Well, I'm in there buying cat food!"
Me: "Ah...ok..that's nice...."
#2: "Yeah, I'm buying some food for my cat..." Silence.
Me: "Look, I don't have my hands free device, so I really need to go."

Apparently, #2 hadn't been ready to end our date. Maybe he figured that since I also had a cat, that I'd keep him company on his errand and debate the merits of dry food vs. wet as he perused the pet food aisle. Lesson #2: Do not make creepy instant follow up calls after a first date (or any date, for that matter). There were two very disturbing things about this phone call:

1. It was made less than one minute after the date ended. Unless you're relaying something that requires immediate attention such as a forgotten handbag, calling your date this soon after your initial encounter will just come off as creepy and desperate.
2. He called about cat food. Maybe he planned to say something else after the cat food statement and froze up. Regardless, I find it amazing that anyone would use this as a conversation starter.

#2 called left me a voice mail the Friday after our date, asking me if I wanted to hang out with him that night. As I'm sure you can figure out, I did not return the call.


  1. Nice....I think you let Mr. Right slip through your fingers

  2. Hysterical! And after dating for over 20 years before I met my Mr. Right, I'm completely confident that every word of this true. The cat food call is just priceless... and scary at the same time. What a great blog!

  3. OMG!!! This is better than reality TV,....(I just wish there could be pictures somehow.) I'm new to your blog,...and at the risk of sounding 'creepy', I AM SO ADDICTED. More stories please,...and keep 'em coming!